Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
