he puts the penis in happiness.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You've changed since you got that strap on
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
