Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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