Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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