why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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