So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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