My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
