I will die if light touches me.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
