he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
