I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
