I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
