when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
