Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize