Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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