I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
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