just survived the first fart of the relationship.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She even gives head with a lisp.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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