I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i think i have two assholes
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
