dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
