I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
