did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
