Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
