but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
