No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
