Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Banned from zoo.
Again?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
