im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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