atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
