i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
