DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
