I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
