Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Randomize
