I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
