Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
