Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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