dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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