like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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