We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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