my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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