see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
