I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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