my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
