dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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