he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
