Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize