I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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