I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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