Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
