You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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