Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
