turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
