This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
