I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
