By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
