You're a womanizer and a bitch.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
