we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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