Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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