Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
