Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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