I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
