and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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