I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
